I keep a post it note taped to one of my computer monitors. It's dated June 14, 2014. I hastily scratched it down while I was on the phone with him one day. While we were talking, their house phone started ringing. He set down his cell phone and went to answer the ringing landline. I could hear him answer and his one sided conversation.
"Hello Schweingrubers.....Hi Sharon. Oh, uh-huh. Mmm,hmmm. Saturday? Yep, let me check......Yep, Saturday will be perfect. Ok. Thanks for calling."
Then he was back on the line with me.
"Ok, Holly. That was Dr. Cole. She wanted us to know she gave my phone number to another couple today she diagnosed with multiple myeloma. We're going to meet with them Saturday."
"Oh, that's good", I replied. Then I asked, "Don, how many people do you think you and Nance have met with over the years?"
He paused. "Hmmm, that's a good question, Holly." He paused again. "I don't know. Lots", in his western Pennsylvania accent.
"Well," I said, "I just think it's so neat that you are willing to meet with all of these people. And that Dr. Cole can freely give your name out."
Another pause. "Well, you know, I have been hope for a lot of people." And that's when I grabbed whatever was in front of me and wrote it down. He continued on, "When I was diagnosed, people didn't survive as long as I've survived."
He said it casually. Very matter of factly. Very Don-like. The same way he would say, "The Steelers are having a good year." or "Well, I have nice legs." Confident, yet telling the truth.
And this was his truth. Don was hope for a lot of people. For over thirteen years, his oncologist would tell newly diagnosed mutiple myeloma patients to contact Don to help ease their fears, calm their anxiety and see living proof it's possible to live a long time after diagnosis.
He was, indeed, hope to those people.
What hope had he given people? Imagine being given a fatal diagnosis. Being told, many many times....'we're in unchartered waters. we've used all the different types of drugs there are available to fight this cancer.' That was part of Don's journey. He had heard those words before, yet he continued on. He lived his life. And through his living he became Hope to many, many people.
Don's life motto was "It's all about Relationships..." Celebrations. Difficulties. Life's messiness. Life's beauty and profoundness. Don's default starting point, no matter how big or small the conversation, was "about the relationship". And so it didn't matter to Don that he didn't know a thing about these strangers he was going to meet Saturday. He'd start with the relationship.
We were on the phone when he said it. But had I been at his house, on the floor propped up next to the fireplace, like many other times, he likely would have posed it as a question. "When you think about your life at the age of 74, what do want people to have received from you?"
He liked questions. Kept a bucket of them in the living room. When he thought of one, he dropped it in. Questions are what formed the basis of getting to know scads of college women over a 15 year period. Deep questions. Silly questions. Questions meant to open up space between people and allow time and fears to be suspended.
-If you were a bridge what kind of bridge would you be and why?
-If you could change your name what would it be? [In 1993, he answered "Buck". The name stuck ever since.]
-If you could relive one year of your childhood what would it be and why?
-What's the theme song of your life right now?
I adopted this very same technique when I started in my own career in the same profession. Questions are the ultimate icebreaker. They're the perfect way to get a group engaged with each other. Questions allow others to get to know each other more quickly. And you know what happens when you ask questions? You LISTEN for answers. Don was a listener.
And when you listen, really listen, to others it allows for a relationship to develop and grow.
In the short six months since he has passed, I've picked up my phone to call or text him countless times. Each time, it was to ask him a question. From very specific advice in my work to more trivial ribbing questions about his beloved Pirates/Steelers?
Perhaps I'll start my own question bucket, if only because it'll make me a better listener.
Buck Gruber, you are surely missed by many. We remember you on your birthday. And today I will pose a few good questions to others in your honor.
Sitting on Don's Memorial Bench "It's all about relationships" is inscribed in the bench.
