One foot in front of the other, Mom

Right after my dad died, someone said to me, "It'll get easier."  And I remember simultaneously thinking, "well, let's just speed it up." and "NO! NO!  STOP THE WORLD.  If it gets easier I'll forget."

It's true.  It has gotten easier.  In some ways.  My memories with and of my dad are still very strong.  His one-liners and sayings are alive in well in the Spann family, which always evoke a smile or a laugh or a groan.  But in other ways, it's not easier.  Sometimes, I still have a really deep, raw grief.  It usually comes over me most unsuspecting, like a pop-up summer lightening storm.  Out of nowhere.  Powerful and striking and demanding attention.

Other times, it's a slow, lingering ache, mostly when it hits me that he's never coming back.  Never.  You'd think I wouldn't need to be reminded.  But I guess that's what grief does.  Or is.  A reminder of what was, what isn't, what won't be.

Every year at the anniversary of his death, I take time to make space and remember and honor and give thanks for him, his gifts and legacy to me and my family.  And each year I've taken time to write about him.

This year, I'm thinking and remembering him.  And I'm writing about my mom.

…………………………….

In the moments when my spirit knew before my heart and mind knew what was about to happen in the next hours, my sub-conscious was already trying to process.  The memory is planted in my mind plainly.  I know exactly where I was while I was barreling down I-75 to pack a bag and return back to meet my mom and sister.  When I left the hospital the plan was to get some dinner and go back in the morning.  But somehow, somehow, my spirit knew those were the last words I would hear him say to me.  "Thanks for coming, Holly".  I was focused on driving, fast.  Get there.  Get back.  But why?  Why the rush?  We hadn't been given bad news at that point.  Get there.  Get back.  Get there.  You're too young to have to worry about your parents.  This shouldn't be happening.  Get there.  Get back.  My poor mom.  Oh, mom.  Oh, my mom.  Get there.  Get back.  Mom.  My spirit knew.
……………………………...

Mom,

What has been six years for us, has probably felt like a lifetime for you, or a moment, all at once.  In those six years you have taught me so much.

No woman ever dreams of waking up on her 40th wedding anniversary less than 24 hours past making the "until death do us part" real.  But you did.   You put one foot in front of the other and made it through the day.  And then the next and the next.

We, my sisters and I, have grieved for dad.  You already know that.  He's missed so much and has been missed so much.   Always a missing place at our gatherings and celebrations.

Mom, we've grieved for you too.  Plans blown to pieces with one last breath.  Dreams of a retirement and traveling and golfing and enjoying years and years of hard work and sacrifice gone before you could process the reality.

Like parents of school children, we've been saddened to see friendships lost because you're no longer a couple. We've stayed awake waiting for your text to make sure you made it home safely, like you did for us not too many years ago.  We've seen you heal and grow and move through all the stages of grief and back again.  Yet, you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Proudly from the sidelines we have cheered you on as you've dipped your toe in the waters of new friendships and hobbies and, yes, even dating.

For six years, your courage, sometimes roaring like a lion, more often, gently, daily putting one foot in front of the other.

Anyone who has met a Spann daughter knows you and dad raised strong, confident, brave, courageous women.  We confidently (sometimes a little too confidently) make it known that there isn't much  from which we are going to back down.  I can picture dad, even today, with swollen pride taking full credit for the confident women we have become.  And you.  You quietly let him take the credit.

Mom, you have faced your fears and tried new things and made new friends and along the way you've taught me so much in these six years.  We are so proud of you.  And Dad would be too.  That crooked little grin of his, saying, "Baby girl, I knew you could do it."

What I've really learned in the last six years, is that it was you, mom, who deserved the credit for our ability to keep going.  One foot in front of another.  Head up and confident, even when we didn't want to.

Keep stepping mom.  There's not much from which you're going to back down.  One foot in front of the other today.  And tomorrow.

We're still cheering you on.

Love you,
H

Random Thoughts

1.  Is anyone else predicting that their gas bill will be somewhere around the sum of the national debt post 2014 Polar Vortex 2.0?

c.  You know in the movies when one of the characters says to the other, "Let's just stay home and play hookie today."  How come I've never done that?  Doesn't a day when they're calling for -16 wind chill justify the perfect day for that?  Think I'll do it?

d.  I love candles.  Burning them in our house makes it cozy and smell good and seemingly warm, even though it's broad daylight.  I love them.  I have drawers and boxes of them.  Not kidding.  At all.  I have a candle drawer in an armoire, measuring 4 feet by 2 1/2 feet.  PLUS…..yes, plus, I have two boxes of candles in the basement.  Name the shape, color, variety, scent I have it.  Well for a short while anyway, until I burn through them.  Love them.

IV.  Roman numerals.  Why don't we count with them more often?  We should.  I mean how many of you will have to stop long enough to figure out exactly what Super Bowl it is anyway?

XIXVII.  And why does the NFL insist on roman numerals for their championship?  Clearly the sport doesn't hearken back to the Roman empire.  anyone?  Anyone?

M.  We played Monopoly last night.  It totally makes me giddy, like I'm all 11 years old again sitting around the kitchen table playing with my sisters and my dad.  And…..well, I'll just say.  I.  MUST.  WIN.  MUSTWIN.  MUST.  [I did by the way]

17.  I woke up this morning from a dream about working in my garden.  Hopeful much?

6.  Because the list must always include my favorite number.

S.  The poinsettia one of our dinner guests gave us before Christmas is alive and well, but shedding leaves like it's his job, to which The Drayer four legged occupants either bat around the house until all of the crumbled pieces are evenly scattered in every room or ingest and minutes later puke up, only to be found later by the two legged occupants outfitted with opposable thumbs, helpful when operating the SpotBot.

T.  SpotBot.  Don't have one?  You must purchase this thing.  Worth every red cent if you have pets or children or red wine spilling guests.

3.  I'm thinking I shall adopt a new winter look of wearing a stylish hat.  [I say this every year.  Hasn't happened yet.]

Stay warm my friends, I have hosta to tend to.

Nailed It! A NEW RECIPE

So, if Sweet Sarah were writing this post it would inevitably start out something like this.....actually, never mind.  I'm going to step aside and let Sweet Sarah put in her own words.  [I promise not to edit!]

Cauliflower Jambalaya

1 Head Cauliflower

Olive Oil

1 pkg Hilshire Farms Turkey Sausage 

Tomatoes

Garlic

Salt

Pepper

Paprika

Cumin

Chili Pepper

Chop the cauliflower in small enough pieces to place in a food processor.  [I use my Ninja small pitcher for this].  Blend until you have the consistency of couscous or rice.  Heat about 3 Tbs of olive oil in a large skillet over med/high heat.  Add garlic and saute.  Add cauliflower, tomatoes and seasonings to taste.  Stir occasionally.  [I know, I know!  How much?  Seriously.  I don't know.  I wanted it to have some good pop to it like real Louisiana Jambalaya, so I was pretty liberal].  Cut sausage into bite sized pieces.  In a separate pan brown the sausage.  I had some leftover red wine.  So I used that instead of water.  They were great!  Once the cauliflower is the tenderness of rice add the sausage.  Mix and heat through and Serve.  

YUMMO!!!!

Ummm.....yep.  Not a single picture.  [I seriously, need to get better about that.  I'm always impressed with those people who have pictures for EVERY.SINGLE.STEP in the recipe.  It seriously must take them an extra HOUR to cook.  And then to say nothing of the fact that they happen to have their digital SLR always charged up and ready to go.  OH!  Oh!  and OH YEAH!!!  What about the added time it takes to load, edit and add to the blog?  sigh.  I guess that's why those people get paid to have blogs.]
Yeah, so over here at deliberatelifespann, well we're all about getting simplicity.  Ok, that's not entirely true.  Actually, it's not true it all.  Here's the truth....over here at deliberatelifespann we suffer from ADD and the inefficiency of multi-tasking.  The digital camera is never charged, the individual steps to the recipe would require lots of kitchen clean up before the pic would look good, and usually it's all we can do to get a meal on the table without a drop in blood sugar or complete end of day exhaustion.  Who's with me on this?

So nope.  not a single picture.  But here's the real recipe test:  Sweet Sarah asked to put it into the rotation.   And that, my friends, is a victory!

What I learned planning Surprise Date Night

A little over a year ago, I decided I would make a commitment to plan one date night a month, the details of which would be a complete surprise to Sweet Sarah.  I came up with this idea as I was thinking about the things that are important for me to be deliberate about in my life.  And one thing I know about myself, I'm inherently selfish with my time and interests.  By the grace of God, Sweet Sarah is just the opposite.  She easily goes with the flow, willingly agrees to whatever shenanigans I've cooked up and rarely has an agenda when there is free time [THAT's where the polar opposite comes in.  I always. always, always, always, have a plan.]

Once I made this commitment, told Sweet Sarah about it, posted it to this blog…well, I was pretty much all in.  I set about making a list of possible things we could, see, experience, explore, visit, etc.  I kept a running list on my phone as I came across things that might work for us.  Oh, that's right.  I had a  PLAN!  Of course, I had a plan.  Come on.  Are you surprised?  And yes it was in my planner, need you even ask?  [Sweet Sarah, little did you know you could've opened one of our shared apps on your phone and revealed the entire world of SDN!]

Here's a quick recap of our Surprise Date Nights:

December: Traditional, dinner and a movie

January: Gourmet in the Garden at the Cleveland Botannical Garden

February:  Wine Tasting at Blue Canyon

March: Virtual Golf Double Date with Sweet Sarah's parents

April: House of Blues dinner and folk artist

May:  Baseball Game at Akron Aeros

June: Ales on the Rails Beer Tasting on the CVNP Railroad

July: not so much a surprise, but an amazing trip to Europe [we had a date every night!]

August: Drive-in-The Big Lebowski [Sweet Sarah's favorite movie and how Ski got his name]

September:  Ok, this is bad.  But neither Sweet Sarah or myself can remember what we did this month. Does that mean we didn't do anything?  Or we DID do something and it was so unremarkable, that we have since forgotten?  Oh dear…..take note, dear friends:  When attempting this maneuver at home please use caution and take a lot of pictures.  

October:  Chopped Kitchen @ The Drayer

November: Eiffel Tower Dinner and Jersey Boys in Vegas

Along the way and looking back, I certainly learned a few things in this intentional practice.

One of the most obvious lessons is that we enjoy a lot of different things…..wine tasting, movie watching, symphony, baseball game, making our own cooking show, golfing and for that I'm thankful.  I have always enjoyed a spectrum of interests and I always, always worried that my future wife wouldn't enjoy the same things.  But again, God clearly knew what he was doing giving me Sweet Sarah.

I learned that when I'm intentional about creating space for us, as a couple, the week that was behind us, no matter how bad, easily slips away.  And the week[s] that is ahead of us, somehow is always easier, simply because we've carved space for us.

Now back to the list.  Anytime I ran across something I thought would make a good SDN I'd throw it on the list.  Then, when it came time to plan each month, I'd refer to my list and voila, things were much more simple.  So there I was cruising along, when, I believe, it was some time in April, as I was perusing my list.  April---climbing wall.  Sooooooo, there's this really cool indoor climbing wall close to our house that I'd been wanting to try for a long time.  And since we were still working around the winter weather….not quite warm enough to be outside, not cold enough to be hunkered down.  I thought this was a GREAT idea.  [Have I mentioned Sweet Sarah is afraid of heights?]  I went about planning the details for this night.  It was going to be fun and adventure and something we hadn't ever done.  Well, I had done a climbing wall before, but we hadn't done it together.  And I was pretty sure Sweet Sarah had not been on a climbing wall before.  What was it she said to me when we discovered said climbing wall?  Hmmmmm, what was it?  Oh yes, I think it went something like, "Sweetie, if you want to do that go right ahead.  But theres no way I'll be climbing that wall." [ok, ok, so I'm a little slow] Anywho, back to ME!!!!!  So there I was planning the details, basking in the gloriousness of my creativity when……WHAM!  It hits me.   This isn't about me.  [again, slow on the uptake people.  Please refer to my third sentence of this post.  mmmmkay?]  Surprise date night, isn't about getting to do the things I want.  Surprise Date Night is about planning time that Sweet Sarah will enjoy where we can spend time together.  And that changed everything.  Pretty quickly, my amazing list was cut in half.  And you know what?  I was ok with it.  To be honest, I think I was just grateful to have learned the lesson before it was too late.  Before we were in the middle of me half-way up a wall, suspended by a caribeener, looking down 45 feet to the floor, while Sweet Sarah graciously cheered me on an opted out.  [Now, who knows maybe she would/will love it.  But this is not a way to find out.]  This is an important lesson to learn about being actively engaged in marriage.  I couldn't just add to my list because I thought something was fun or would be enjoyable or because I wanted to experience the event.  I had to intentionally and continually ask, "Is this something Sweet Sarah would think is fun or enjoy or want to experience?"  By learning to invest in what's important or interesting or fun to my spouse, I can love her better, find new ways to appreciate her, see her in a new light and learn more about her.  And that made all the difference in Surprise Date Night.  The joy wasn't just in the night itself, but it became very satisfying to approach the planning through this new paradigm.

The joy is in the giving.  Sweet Sarah enjoyed the anticipation of the date, nearly as much as the date.  Seeing her smile and get excited leading up to the night always made it more fun.

Even the best laid plans…..well, there were some glitches along the way.  An event that was to include dinner but provided a measly appetizer, which left me scrambling for dinner plans in the middle of a horrific Lake Effect Snow storm after 8PM.  Forgetting to take pictures [not only for the blog, but clearly we need it for our lack of short term memory!].  Suffering from what later turned out to be a needed gall bladder removal which took the fun out of a few dates.  And how about this doozy…..are you sitting down?  Planning a cool evening with a local folk artist at House of Blues that coincides with an S&M Conference and Concert in the other venue of House of Blues.  Oh yeah.  Picture it.  Sweet Sarah and me walking through the front doors only to look around and see scantily clad leather and chains dressed men and women.  We, outfitted in our winter coats, jeans and sweaters, were quickly pointed to the other entrance, only to find ourselves seated next to conference attendees for our dinner.  Yep, PRICELESS entertainment value.

A year of Surprise Date Night was certainly a highlight of our 2013.  So much so, that Sweet Sarah has decided she will be the planner this year.*  I can't wait!  I'm trying to convince her to be a guest blogger after each SDN, but my negotiating skills aren't quite as up to par as said esquire.  I've got some time though.  Stay tuned.

And finally….this is an idea that must be stolen.  Throughout the year I was surprised by how many people told me what a great idea SDN is and how they wished they did something similar.  Well, guess what people? You CAN!  You SHOULD!  Do it.  You will not regret it.

*2014 Surprise Date Night Update:  Due to 2014 Polar Vortex 2.0, surprise date night for January was postponed.  We'll keep you updated.

Birthday Symphony

This post was started late December.  Ummmm, yeah it's late January.  Sigh.  I won't bore you with reasons, because it's more important that Sweet Sarah gets her accolades for planning a most spectacular 40th birthday party weekend[s] for me.

without further adieu…….


Well, Sweet Sarah knocked it out of the park for my birthday.  This post is long overdue and almost a MONTH late!  

And its tardiness certainly doesn't represent my lack of gratitude for Sweet Sarah's planning.  It does, however, speak to the craziness of the month of December.  I know, I know, preaching to the choir. It's crazy for EVERYONE in December.

But I digress……Sweet Sarah went all out and planned TWO birthday outings.  And both were phenomenal.  First, a night for the two of us at the Cleveland Symphony to see Maestro Marin Alsop conduct Samuel Barber's Second Essay for Orchestra and Aaron Copeland's Symphony No. 3.  

I was excited about this for a few reasons.  First, Alsop is the first woman to be appointed to a major symphony.  It's historical people.  Second, since we have moved to Cleveland seeing the symphony has been on my Cleveland to do list.  And let me tell you, it did not disappoint.  Severance Hall, home to the Cleveland Symphony, is beautiful and amazing, to say nothing of the musicians that make up this world-renowned group.  

For dinner we headed to Little Italy---also a first since moving here three years ago.  Divine!  I'm telling you people, Cleveland is a happening' place! 

What's that? Yes.  Yes we did bring the median age down.

This was taken from our seats.  We were that close.  And it was that amazing!

Gracious and funny.  It was so cool to see her conduct.

Here we are acting like we're not freezing without our coats on in the lobby.

Sweet Sarah nailed it.  A wonderful night that certainly convinced us we need to go back again and again.

For the second weekend of activities, Sweet Sarah played in to my extroverted side and planned a girls weekend to see Wicked.  Our  moms, my oldest sister and niece, Aunt Mar and cousin Jen came for the day.  It was a rich day filled with great laughter, a wonderful production, good food and family…..it doesn't get any better than that.  

And now I will post pictures of that day.  

oh wait……we didn't take a single picture.  not one.  We were so caught up in being together.  

Just trust me on this one.  It was good.  

"Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true."-Wicked

Thanks for making dreams come true, Sweet Sarah.

On this eve of MLK….

Whoa, it's almost been a month since I last blogged.  And a LOT has happened and so much to share.  Not earth shattering or life changing news.  Just life news.  Birthday celebrations and Birth days [a new nephew has joined our family] and Birthdays, oh you know, sweet little baby Jesus.  And well, just rich, sweet time with family and friends.  

And I'll get updated soon.  Promise.  

But for now, on this eve of MLK I urge you to find some space to read this thoughtful, insightful and prodding post.  Be sure to read the comments…that's where the real work begins.  And may we, of the privilege we so often take for granted, find our voices in 2014.

Oh Honey come here I think your privilege is showing

Spann Family Christmas

Whenever the Spann's get together you can bet there's going to be a LOT of gut splitting laughter.  In fact, we have a saying around The Drayer, "it's time for some Spann family laughter".  There's just something about being around people who share your history and your sense of humor and your appreciation for the years and years of inside jokes that just make me want to hunker in and wish for a big ol' snow storm so no one could leave and we would all have to spend a few days together.  We would laugh and tease and cry and eat [well, we're Southern!  Of course we would eat.  Bacon.  Well, bacon and biscuits.  Oh, and chocolate gravy.  Yes, always chocolate gravy.]  Anywho, I miss the days when we would all pile in to my Grandma and Poppy's house, take up every single sleeping space  [including the motor home beds] and just BE.  Together.

Time and life and death and jobs and growing up and great grandkids and for a handful of other reasons we aren't able to do that any more.  But for the one night a year when we get together to celebrate Christmas……MAN, it makes me happy.

And this year we had much to celebrate.  Good health….Aunt Mar celebrates 5 years of being cancer free this year.  An Ohio Assistant Principal of the Year Award…my cousin Jaime just put this one under her belt.  YOU GO GIRL!!!

One of the highlights this year was giving my Grama [that's how she's always spelled it] a photo book of her family.  It was a precious moment.  She's such a beautiful woman.  And if you look closely, you'll see the little rebel inside in those eyes of hers.

Without further adieu, here's the annual video.

Spann Family Christmas 2013