Meringue Fingers

When I was in college the NCAA required the student athletes to go through a series of courses called LifeSkills. One in particular, Table Manners and Business Dining, seemed a waste of my time, given that Mama C didn't tolerate much of a stray elbow, lip smack or open mouth chewing at the table. I'm pretty sure by the time I was seven I knew where to place the salad fork and which side the water glass belonged in a place setting. Yep, I was a graduate of Mama C's homeschoolin'.

Apparently, there are some people---professional people. Suit wearing, heal clomping, Coach briefcase slinging women in the world that weren't provided the same Mama C home rules, nor the illustrious NCAA Ms. Manners course.

Ok, so where am I going with this? Well, sit down people. Buckle up because I can't make this stuff up!

Last week at the conference I was attending, we were about half way through lunch when a hot mess of a woman, also attending the conference, plopped herself down at our table, took three large bites of potato salad and then, with her mouth still quite full, decided it was the right time to introduce herself.

AVERT YOUR EYES!!!! Look away!!!!! Convince your gag reflex that you're really not seeing mashed potatoes mixed with green beans in her mouth.

(Now if Sweet Sarah were to interject here, she would probably enter a lengthy sub-text about how table manners is probably my number one pet peeve. A smack? A crunch? The loud chewers???!!! Ugh!!!! Makes me lose my appetite.)

And oh. OH. OH. OH!!!!! It gets better....
Are you ready?

Well, after snarfing her way through two plates of buffet food in the time it took me to finish half of a salad, she jumped up to get dessert.

And what did she return with on her plate???

Oh yes, a cream pie. Yep.

In nearly three bites and a few more mouthfuls of conversation she was done. ALMOST.

But it couldn't be that painless. Nope.

You see, there was a little bit left on her plate. A little bit of cream and meringue, which seemed to be escaping her fork. So what did she do? Did she use her knife to gently guide that last little bite onto her fork, ala European style? Did she turn her fork on the side and give it the old scooping slide twist?

Nope.

Of course she didn't.

She used the two year old "use the fingers from your other hand to get it in your fork" method.

Oh yes she did. I can't make this stuff up people!

Oi vey!

Perhaps I should start offering consulting classes, "Professional Table Manners".  ....on second thought, maybe I'll leave that up to Mama C.